Evolution Surrenders!

This should make Ed Meese happy:

New Windsor - What, some might ask Jessica Sherer, is with the giant snow penis she built on her boyfriend's lawn this week?

Now that's a dumb question.

As everyone knows, phallic displays were central to Viking winter solstice celebrations of fertility and rebirth. Yeah. So what. And readers of this paper surely know that phallic rituals were as much a part of the Hopi Indian winter festivals as the Hawk dance.

They also are a big part of construction materials on Fark Street.

But down on Quassaick Avenue, around the corner from the New Windsor Elementary School, the 6-foot tall, anatomically correct, finely detailed penis raised some questions Monday. Especially for police. "We got some calls that people thought it was offensive," said New Windsor police Chief Michael Biasotti. "We assumed it was some kids who did it."

No. Just some horny gal that doesn't have children.

Officers found no one home. Assuming the snow sculpture was more prank than nod to Christmas' pagan roots, the police knocked it down. Beat it down with shovels, actually.

A return to the dark ages. Art is the devil.

"We came back around 11 in the morning, and it was just a pile of snow," recalled Sherer, 19. "Just some shovel marks."

Nothing is more heartbreaking than to see your penis obliterated by cops with snow shovels.

Sherer, um, erected the statue with her boyfriend and another friend Sunday. She said she was surprised to hear some neighbors took offense.

O rly?

Motorists honked their approval, and people walking by pointed and laughed, she said. "People were waving and laughing," she said. "It was pretty funny." No citations or criminal violations will be issued for the display, Biasotti said. The town codes prohibit lewd signs on businesses, but don't mention anything about public snow sculptures.

Hey hey! Ho ho! Frosty porn has got to go! Will they outlaw snowballs?

"We probably weren't 100 percent correct in going on the property and knocking it down," New Windsor Town Supervisor George Meyers said. "But our intentions were pure. Some people were offended. There are school buses going by there all day."

So as long as your intentions are good, it's okay to violate peoples property? Okay, I see now.

The last two nights of freezing weather has made the snow too stiff to sculpt, said Sherer. But she intends to rebuild. "In a couple of days, Thursday or Friday, after it gets a little warmer," she promises.

The snow penis army cometh. No pun intended.

Police and town officials aren't sure what their move will be. "I'd want the police to talk to the property owner if we got complaints, ask them to take it down" Meyers said. "But after that, I don't think there's too much we can do."

Have you thought about placing gas powered heaters on the sidewalk in front of their property? That's public property you know. ;)

Biasotti worries the display might give others ideas. "Now we're going to get snow penises popping up all over town," he said.

They're a lot easier to make than snow vaginas.

Many scholars, of course, trace the origin of the modern-day yule log to ancient pagan totems to virility and sun-god worship. Is that what Sherer was going for?
"We just did it because we were really bored, and we thought it'd be funny," she said. "It was huge."

I imagine she had a glow about her when she made that last statement.

Link. Warning, contains pictures of sad snow porn.

This is just stupid.