Evolution Surrenders!

Okay, I'm sure to piss off some people with what I do next, but you know what? Really? Fill me in.

Either way...I think it is now time to review the Bill of Rights. You know..that little paper thingee that everyone loves and hates at the same time, depending on the issue of the day? Well let's review:

The Conventions of a number of the States having, at the time of adopting the Constitution, expressed a desire, in order to prevent misconstruction or abuse of its powers, that further declaratory and restrictive clauses should be added, and as extending the ground of public confidence in the Government will best insure the beneficent ends of its institution;

Resolved, by the Senate and House of Representatives of the United States of America, in Congress assembled, two-thirds of both Houses concurring, that the following articles be proposed to the Legislatures of the several States, as amendments to the Constitution of the United States; all or any of which articles, when ratified by three-fourths of the said Legislatures, to be valid to all intents and purposes as part of the said Constitution, namely:


Amendment I
Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the government for a redress of grievances.


Amendment II
A well regulated militia, being necessary to the security of a free state, the right of the people to keep and bear arms, shall not be infringed.


Amendment III
No soldier shall, in time of peace be quartered in any house, without the consent of the owner, nor in time of war, but in a manner to be prescribed by law.


Amendment IV
The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and no warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized.


Amendment V
No person shall be held to answer for a capital, or otherwise infamous crime, unless on a presentment or indictment of a grand jury, except in cases arising in the land or naval forces, or in the militia, when in actual service in time of war or public danger; nor shall any person be subject for the same offense to be twice put in jeopardy of life or limb; nor shall be compelled in any criminal case to be a witness against himself, nor be deprived of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law; nor shall private property be taken for public use, without just compensation.


Amendment VI
In all criminal prosecutions, the accused shall enjoy the right to a speedy and public trial, by an impartial jury of the state and district wherein the crime shall have been committed, which district shall have been previously ascertained by law, and to be informed of the nature and cause of the accusation; to be confronted with the witnesses against him; to have compulsory process for obtaining witnesses in his favor, and to have the assistance of counsel for his defense.


Amendment VII
In suits at common law, where the value in controversy shall exceed twenty dollars, the right of trial by jury shall be preserved, and no fact tried by a jury, shall be otherwise reexamined in any court of the United States, than according to the rules of the common law.


Amendment VIII
Excessive bail shall not be required, nor excessive fines imposed, nor cruel and unusual punishments inflicted.


Amendment IX
The enumeration in the Constitution, of certain rights, shall not be construed to deny or disparage others retained by the people.


Amendment X
The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor prohibited by it to the states, are reserved to the states respectively, or to the people.

Well that's how it is written, but who were these primitives to dictate the rules of which we live by? New versions are needed. So here we go. How Liberals and Conservatives view each others opinions on the Bill of Rights:

The Liberal Vision of How Conservatives View The Bill of Rights

The Conventions of a number of the States superior white men that don't like taxes having, at the time of adopting the Constitution, expressed a desire(to kill brown people), in order to prevent misconstruction or abuse of its powers(unknown till the Bushitler), that further declaratory and restrictive clauses should be added, and as extending the ground of public confidence making the sheeple believe in the Government Hitler will best insure the beneficent ends of its institutioniaries are Halliburton;

Resolved, by the Senate Walmart and House of Representatives Israel of the United States of America amerikkka, in Congress Jesus name assembled, two-thirds of both Houses concurring own a lot of oil and are rich greedy white people, and the following articles be proposed to the Legislatures diebold benefactors of the several States owners of all the money, as amendments to the Constitution of the United States amerikkka; all or any of which articles, when ratified by three-fourths of the said Legislatures, to be valid to all intents and purposes as part of the said Constitution to the Great Halliburton, namely:


Amendment I
Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion except Jesus, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof of Protestants; or abridging hangings of brown muslims, or the freedom of speech except porn and Kos (And infowars.com and prisonplanet.com), or of the press of Rupert Murdoch; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble to lynch a brown person, and to petition the government for a red mistress of big boobies.


Amendment II
A well regulated militia, being necessary to shoot muslims and liberals which gives us the security of a free state, the right of the (white) people to keep and bear arms, shall not be infringed. Any opposers must be shot.

(addendum: Grenades should be legal too.)

Amendment III
No soldier shall, in time of peace be quartered in any house (except Iraqis), without the consent of the owner(Heheh, no consenting needed after our baby killer soldiers rape and kill them all), nor in time of war(in Milpitas California), but in a manner to be prescribed by law(Bushitler is the law).


Amendment IV
The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and no warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized. Cancelled


Amendment V
No person shall be held to answer for a capital, or otherwise infamous crime, unless on a presentment or indictment of a grand jury if their initials are GWB or last name is Rove. No Fitzmas! In cases arising in the land or naval forces, or in the militia, when in actual service in time of war or public danger; it was to protect Israel, so it don't count. Any person subject for the same offense to be twice put in jeopardy of life or limb; shall be compelled in any criminal case to be a witness against himself, be deprived of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law; private property shall be taken for public use, without just compensation. It's their just deserts for being Muslim.


Amendment VI
In all criminal prosecutions, the accused shall enjoy the right to a speedy and public trial and execution and panty terrorism, by any impartial jury of the state and district wherein the crime shall have been committed we damn well see fit, which district shall have been previously ascertained(definition please?) by law, and to be informed of the nature and cause of the accusation and victims religion; to be confronted with the witnesses against him; to have compulsory process for obtaining witnesses in his favor, and to have the assistance of counsel for his defense. and ship his ass to Pakistan for interrogation.


Amendment VII
In suits at common law, where the value in controversy shall exceed twenty dollars, the right of trial by jury shall be preserved, and no fact tried by a jury, shall be otherwise reexamined in any court of the United States, than according to the rules of the common law. Obsolete. Peasants need those $20 to buy their food for the month.


Amendment VIII
Excessive bail shall not be required, nor excessive fines imposed, nor cruel and unusual punishments inflicted. When this doesn't work, send to Abu Ghraib and Guantanamo.


Amendment IX
The enumeration in the Constitution, of certain rights, shall not be construed to deny or disparage others retained by the people. Roman numerals must be kept to show white superior intellect.


Amendment X
The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor prohibited by it to the states, are reserved to the states respectively, or to the people. Except if you're "ghey", or like marijuana.

The Conservative vision of how Liberals view The Bill of Rights

The Conventions of a number of the States The Peoples Republic having, at the time of adopting the Constitution Little Red Book, expressed a desire, in order to prevent misconstruction or abuse of its powers... oh never mind. Who are we kidding? Further declaratory and restrictive clauses should can be added without prior notice, and as extending the ground of public confidence in the Government to teach the proles how to think right and be sensitive, will best insure the beneficent ends of its institution, here's how comrade;

Resolved, by the Senate and House of Representatives of the United States of America, in Congress assembled, two-thirds of both Houses concurring, that the following articles be proposed to the Legislatures of the several States, as amendments to the Constitution of the United States; all or any of which articles, when ratified by three-fourths of the said Legislatures, to be valid to all intents and purposes as part of the said Constitution. We did away with that though. People are much to stupid to be trusted to vote. I mean look...how does GWB get elected, TWICE!!! No, this diebold and chad crap can't be trusted, but we can. We'll vote for you. That will give you more free time to watch American Idol.


Amendment I
Congress shall make no law respecting any religion, and prohibit the free exercise thereof. These are flat lander people, and are much too stupid to even breath if they weren't taught how. Abridging the freedom of speech, the press; the right of the people peaceably to assemble, is necessary to keep stupid people from making decisions until they realize we have made all the right choices for them already. They just need to follow, and quit hating the brown people. Petition the government for a redress of grievances, over and over and over and over and over and over again till you get some money. White people need not apply.


Amendment II
A well regulated militia, being necessary to the security of a free state, the right of the people to keep and bear arms, shall not be infringed. Cancelled. If it wasn't for guns, there would never be any wars. Bambi backs our decision. Why do you hate brown people?


Amendment III
No soldier shall, in time of peace be quartered in any house, without the consent of the owner, nor in time of war, but in a manner to be prescribed by law. Cancelled. Military is no longer necessary. Jesse Jackson and Jimmy Carter can solve all world with discussion and a little appeasement. (Currently working on Amendment to send the rest of the Jews into the ovens, then there will be world peace and unicorns will return).


Amendment IV
The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and no warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized. Cancelled. Cops are pigs, and this don't work. Leave the brown people alone! No searches never! Unless we call for it. Fire arms and Cubans fleeing Cuba or Bibles are not protected.


Amendment V
No personRepublicans shall be held to answer capital, and infamous crime, presentment or indictment of a grand jury shall be made, land and naval forces, the militia, when in actual service in time of war or are a public danger; It's Bushes fault. Execute immediately. They are mostly red state stupid people anyways. nor shall any person be subject for the same offense to be twice put in jeopardy of life or limb; nor shall be compelled in any criminal case to be a witness against himself, nor be deprived of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law; nor shall private property be taken for public use, without just compensation. Scratch that. If you're brown you deserve to go free for all the oppresion you have suffered. White men hang.


Amendment VI
In all criminal prosecutions, the accused shall enjoy the right to a speedy and public trial, by an impartial jury of the state and district wherein the crime shall have been committed, which district shall have been previously ascertained by law, and to be informed of the nature and cause of the accusation; to be confronted with the witnesses against him; to have compulsory process for obtaining witnesses in his favor, and to have the assistance of counsel for his defense. This is complicated and obsolete. ACLU will decide all on all court cases from now on.


Amendment VII
In suits at common law, where the value in controversy shall exceed twenty dollars, the right of trial by jury shall be preserved, and no fact tried by a jury, shall be otherwise reexamined in any court of the United States, than according to the rules of the common law. The tax payers shall pick up the tab. We are considering lowering this to $5 as people in Costa Rica may have a hard time meeting the $20 minimum.


Amendment VIII
Excessive bail shall not be required, nor excessive fines imposed, nor cruel and unusual punishments inflicted. Prison is cruel and unusual punishment. All criminals shall now do their time at Mauaii beach resorts.


Amendment IX
The enumeration in the Constitution, of certain rights, shall not be construed to deny or disparage others retained by the people.


Amendment X
The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor prohibited by it to the states, are reserved to Gaia and Drunvalo Melchizedek.

Can you tell I'm bored tonight?